Onderland

This is me with Annette and Nancy at my heaviest weight of 258.8 in November of 2022. Now, in December of 2025, I've lost almost 80 lbs and weigh in at 180. I've learned some things along the way, mostly that I could no longer eat whatever I wanted, nor could I eat the way I had been without jeopardizing my health. 

Dad dying in 2023 was the catalyst. He was 80 years old and hurt most of the time but was active until the day he went into the hospital. He had been caring for mom's health needs with no break or respite and when he went down, she continued on as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately for her health, she hadn't been controlling her diabetes for years and ended up in the hospital. Multiple times. 

I began caring for her in March of 2023 and if dad's death was the catalyst, her "health" was the kick in the ass I needed to start getting myself healthy. I started walking every day and working on my diet. Then in 2024, mom and I moved to Hiawatha and I saw an ad at the doctor's office for a KU-sponsored study called ReTool. I asked about it and got in. By the time the study got started, I had already lost 20 lbs on my own and was determined to keep going. 

It was an 18 month study, no medications, but guided by a dietician and my doctor. The other study participants met virtually weekly at first. We all met individually with the dietician and doctor every quarter. Having that support really helped me reimagine my relationship with food. I also started losing weight, and am only 5 lbs away from my goal of 175. 

Of course, weight loss and body image is a moving target, but getting to 175 will be a good place to stop and reevaluate. I said that mom's "health" was my boost and so it was. She is now 80, same age as dad when he died. She needs help in virtually every part of her life, including getting up and down from the chair, wiping her butt, pulling up her pants, etc. She can't walk without a walk and a person following behind with a wheelchair. She can't stand up straight. She's nearly blind, mostly due to uncontrolled diabetes. She takes so many medications it's hard to keep track. That's everything I DON'T want for myself when I'm 80. 

I see mom every day at the nursing home where she lives now. Every day, I am reminded of my why. Every day, I say to myself, I will be able to go to the bathroom by myself, walk by myself, live on my own when I'm 80. My kids won't have to worry about me, my husband won't have to sacrifice his happiness and health to take care of me. 

Mom

 I stayed with mom in Kansas City, KS until September 18, 2023. I got a job working as an office administrator for a company that helped wealthy people manage their housing. Boring, but the pay was good. On September 18, mom sold her house (of over 30 years!) and moved into Vintage Park retirement home in Hiawatha. She had the biggest room in the place--basically a studio apartment--but she never took to living in such a public situation. In November, she told me that God had told her she needed to buy a house. She looked at exactly one house, bought it, got it fixed up and moved in the last day of the year.

Just as I had in Kansas City and when she lived in Vintage Park, I visited her every day. Usually I spent the morning and early afternoon with her--getting her breakfast and lunch, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. In February, she contracted pneumonia and was hospitalized for three days. They sent her home on 2 liters of oxygen and at that point, I had to move in with her. She needed help with everything and wasn't able to be by herself.

We stuck it out until June, when I told her I was exhausted from trying to take care of her all by myself. I also missed my family, my garden and my cat. She agreed that she would go back to Vintage Park, but by then, she needed more help that they could provide. We found her a private room at Anew Health Care nursing home. Anew also has an assisted living wing, so if she is able to improve enough she can move to that section. She moved in June 17.

Dad

 Dad died on March 18, 2023. I was with him when he took his last breath, but I don't think he was actually there--just his body, working hard as it always had. He went into the hospital on February 7th, 2023, but he was already dying. We just didn't know it. 

I was at work on Tuesday the 7th, having gone through a mental breakdown September 11 of 2021 and quit teaching the same day. I'll write more about that another time (or not).  In October of  '21, I was hired on at the KS Department of Children and Families (DCF) as a food stamps processor. It was monotonous and somewhat depressing, but I was happy to have a job. About 8 months in, I was turned on to another job opening in the same (Hiawatha) office as a Pre-Employment Transition Specialist which I applied for and started in July of 2022. I really enjoyed working with disabled teens, helping them figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. Anyway, I had finished another day working with teens, giving thanks that I had a low-pressure job where I could serve others and that was near to home. 

Mom called that evening--a bit unusual since we mostly talked on the weekend, but not unheard of. She said dad had been taken to the hospital because he'd had a seizure. I wasn't sure what to think. My dad??? He wasn't an epileptic. He didn't have ANY kind of health problem besides arthritis and the bad back he'd had since he fell out of a tree when he was 78 (really!). I said I'd come right away and she said no, her housekeeper, Tammy, was driving her to the hospital. She just wanted me to know. 

A heavy knot grew in my stomach and I went downstairs to get the suitcase, just in case. Sure enough, she called back about 10pm and said I should come, that the doctors didn't know what was wrong and that dad was in a medically induced coma. It was a long drive. The radio didn't work and I knew I wouldn't be able to listen to a book or music. I sang camp-fire songs for the two hour drive. 

When I got to the hospital, I had to jockey cars with Tammy so she could go home. Mom was distraught and the family was gathering. The doctors said at first that he had a subdural hematoma--a brain bleed--which had caused stroke-like symptoms. Mom told me that they'd been out earlier (still February 7th at this point) keeping a manicure appointment for her. When they'd arrived at the house, dad had announced he needed to lay down. He did so on the living room carpet. After lying there, he said he felt better and went downstairs. When mom was ready for bed at 9:00, she saw he wasn't in bed and called downstairs for him. He wasn't able to answer, so she used her panic button to call 911. 

April Showers . . .

 The weather has been weird lately. Spring is always a little off-balance, but this year it has been so at odds. One day it will be 80 degrees, the next day it snows. We've had days where the temperature drops 40 degrees from morning to night (or vice versa). It's playing havoc with our depression and joints. Yes, everyone in this house has anxiety or depression or both. Everyone in this house has also broken at least one bone and 50% of us have metal joint replacements. We're quite a crew. At any rate, the weather seems to be really affecting all of us this season. 

The good thing is that everything is greening up as usual, and I am raring to get outside and weed, dig, plant, trim, etc. Sadly, the whole working thing is really cutting into my free time. :-). Ethan told me today that if he ever becomes a millionaire, he'll get me a staff--cook, housekeeper and garden helpers--so that I can spend my time outside doing just what I want. He's a dear boy. Wish he were feeling better! Still has quite a bit of stomach pain, though he's able to eat and keep food down and has gained back his weight so he doesn't look so skeletal. 

I'm doing well at work. Apparently, I have a 100% accuracy rating on the cases I work. They just count the amount of money given away (or not) in that percentage, so I'm doing better than the 78% I thought I had from the "incorrect" reads my case reader returns. The errors I've been making are mostly little things that don't affect the total given. Still, it makes my stomach clench up a bit when I get a case read back that is "incorrect". I'm so used to being an A student, it's hard to see any errors at all. Really unavoidable thought, but I'm learning fast. 

Robert's started going back to the office most days now. He really does like working from home and does really well at it. My work is going to set me up for remote as soon as I'm done with my case reader, which should be by October or sooner. I'll be glad not to have to turn in cases every day. It's a lot like having to turn in lesson plans. I guess, since I work for the government, I should get used to having my work scrutinized. Teaching kind of spoiled me that way--not to mention how hard it's going to be to not have my summers free. I'm going to miss that!

Snow bookends . . .

March 7, 2022

It snowed last night and early this morning—about 3 inches or so. We had a two-hour delay to come in to work, but Cathleen had a snow day. I miss those! This summer is going to be hard what with not having a two-month break to rest and refresh. Clearly, other countries have the right idea in making sure their citizens take an extended break. Weekends are great and all, but there’s just no way you can get everything you want to do done in two days and still have time for R & R. Eventually, I’ll have vacation days saved up, but right now I’m using them as fast as I earn them.

Both Robert and Ethan have had to cancel appointments with their respective doctors, but both “the boys” are doing pretty well. Ethan has gained weight and is managing his pain better. He’s still got three D&D games to keep him distracted, but I need to remind him to get together with his therapist too. There are all kinds of ways to move toward being healthy. It is hard to understand the relief I feel at him being able to hold down consecutive meals. He doesn’t even vomit in the morning (much) any more. Maybe his biologic is finally working.

Robert has joined me on the weight loss program offered by my work and is starting to come to the realization that he is in control of what he puts in his body. He says he feels that he has lost weight, and I’ve definitely observed him eating less. I’m really proud of him for giving it a try, especially since he’s in so much nerve pain. His feet and legs are constantly firing off—burning, tingling, numbness—it varies minute-to-minute. He’ll be seeing his doctor about that pain. First, she’ll want to rule out things like diabetes, thyroid disease, etc. As with any unknown illness, it’s just nice to be able to put a name on the thing, even if there’s no treatment.

Cathleen has been pretty sick with a cold, and she’s very depressed about losing her job. Right now, schools are concentrating on testing and P/T conferences, but there should be some jobs opening up after spring break. I know she’ll get another job, I just hope it’s a keeper this time. The problem is, you never really know how a job is going to be for you until you are in it.

I’m ready to get to work on the outside, but the weather is not ready for me! We’re getting another snow storm on Wednesday/Thursday this week, so I’ll have to content myself with planning and dreaming. I am working out again, with weights 2x/week and trying to walk every day. I’m fairly desperate for some alone time, which I rarely get in a house with three other full-time residents, but I do what I can. Spring just can’t come fast enough!

Twos Day . . .

Twos-day! 02/22/2022

OK, hokey, but I need to have some fun. Yesterday, the other new lady at work and I started training for food assistance. Which I’ve been doing for almost four months and she’s been doing for six. To say it is boring is to massively understate the case. However, we do get paid for it, so there’s that. I am enjoying my job though—it’s great to be able to help people in need of aid and to see that happen right away. As a teacher, I rarely saw any benefit of my profession borne out. Very occasionally, someone would say they were glad they read Of Mice and Men, or (less often) Romeo and Juliet. Or that they used something I had taught them. The rewards were ephemeral. With this job, they are concrete and nearly immediate, which is great for my down-trodden spirits. 

Robert is home from rehab (surgery 01/20/2021, in hospital until 02/01, then rehab until 02/11) and we’re all glad he is home. It wasn’t really the same without him. He’s glad to be home too, and has started doing some work—three to four hours a day for now. I know his bosses want him back, but he is still healing, so he shouldn’t push it. The worker’s comp insurance is going to pay for a metal railing for the front of the house and some bars and supports in the bathroom so that he’ll feel safer. I ordered and put together a bed frame that will support him and get his mattress/box spring up off the floor. Working well so far.

Ethan is very, very, slowly feeling better. He plays D & D on Saturday nights and DMs his own games on Sunday and Tuesday afternoons and Thursday night. It really helps him to feel in control of something and gets his mind of the still considerable pain he is feeling. I need to work with him to do some of the physical therapy for his back so that pain will be more manageable. 

Cathleen was told on Thursday (02/17/2022) that she would be non-renewed at her school this year. Though we believe it is body-weight related (all of the other teachers are young, thin women), we can’t prove anything. She’s written up her resignation and has started looking for another job. She really loved the kiddos and her fellow teachers and the parents seemed to like her as well. My hope is that now that she has a year of teaching (plus two years of subbing) under her belt, she get snatched up. Emporia would probably be a good fit, but maybe she can find something in Seneca or Sabetha or Horton. 

I’ve been battling a fair amount of depression and hopelessness, but I just keep on keepin’ on. Really, what else can I do? My family needs stability, calmness and someone who can keep the home fires burning, as it were. I do my best. 

COVID-19 seems to be going the way of the flu, in that it will be endemic and we’ll just get a shot every year. Johns Hopkins reports the US leads all other countries in both cases (78,620,973) and deaths (938,567), but 10,402,901,371 vaccine doses have been administered world-wide, so it seems we’ve started to realize that vaccines do make us safer. How about that? 

Stressed but blessed . . .

February 8, 2022

Good news, Robert is coming home Friday (2/11/2022)! Plus, Ethan finally got approved for his infusion and received it on the 5th. I hate to even think that things might be getting better—it seems like jinxing, but I don’t really believe in that. Our lives have been simultaneously stressful and blessed. I’ve talked about the stressful parts, but when I think of all our blessings, things don’t seem as bad. Cathleen has a job that she’s good at and enjoys (most of the time). Ethan is really enjoying being a DM for three groups of Dungeons and Dragons. He also plays one game on Saturdays, but I think his real joy is in leading those Tues/Thurs/Sun games. Interesting how much that skill is similar to teaching. Another blessing—Robert still has most of the use of his right arm, and his left arm will heal eventually. The worker’s comp insurance has been most generous in taking care of him—there’s no way we could have afforded the rehab hospital on our own. If he’d come home after the first surgery (1/20) we surely wouldn’t have known about the infection or the dislocation that caused the second surgery (1/29). I’m so grateful he had plenty of time to heal. 

My work has been very gracious about all the time off I’ve had to use to take care of family matters. Plus the insurance is very good. Robert’s work has been wonderful about not pressuring him to work while he’s healing, so that’s been good for him too. We both still have our parents to go to for help and advice, and they are near enough to see once in a while. Many good things. 

One of those good things is a healthy living program sponsored by my work. It seems to be very much like Noom, which worked great for me. This one is at no cost to me and I can use completion of the program for money off my health insurance premiums next year. It’s nice to know that they care about us being healthy—less expensive for them in the long run, I guess. My eating has been really out of control and I’ve not been exercising very much. Dog walks (thank God for Kyla!) are about the extent of it. Now that this program has started, and since I don’t have to leave for work at 7am, I’m trying to make a habit of getting up and exercising every morning. Then at least I’ll have accomplished something positive each day.