Onderland

This is me with Annette and Nancy at my heaviest weight of 258.8 in November of 2022. Now, in December of 2025, I've lost almost 80 lbs and weigh in at 180. I've learned some things along the way, mostly that I could no longer eat whatever I wanted, nor could I eat the way I had been without jeopardizing my health. 

Dad dying in 2023 was the catalyst. He was 80 years old and hurt most of the time but was active until the day he went into the hospital. He had been caring for mom's health needs with no break or respite and when he went down, she continued on as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately for her health, she hadn't been controlling her diabetes for years and ended up in the hospital. Multiple times. 

I began caring for her in March of 2023 and if dad's death was the catalyst, her "health" was the kick in the ass I needed to start getting myself healthy. I started walking every day and working on my diet. Then in 2024, mom and I moved to Hiawatha and I saw an ad at the doctor's office for a KU-sponsored study called ReTool. I asked about it and got in. By the time the study got started, I had already lost 20 lbs on my own and was determined to keep going. 

It was an 18 month study, no medications, but guided by a dietician and my doctor. The other study participants met virtually weekly at first. We all met individually with the dietician and doctor every quarter. Having that support really helped me reimagine my relationship with food. I also started losing weight, and am only 5 lbs away from my goal of 175. 

Of course, weight loss and body image is a moving target, but getting to 175 will be a good place to stop and reevaluate. I said that mom's "health" was my boost and so it was. She is now 80, same age as dad when he died. She needs help in virtually every part of her life, including getting up and down from the chair, wiping her butt, pulling up her pants, etc. She can't walk without a walk and a person following behind with a wheelchair. She can't stand up straight. She's nearly blind, mostly due to uncontrolled diabetes. She takes so many medications it's hard to keep track. That's everything I DON'T want for myself when I'm 80. 

I see mom every day at the nursing home where she lives now. Every day, I am reminded of my why. Every day, I say to myself, I will be able to go to the bathroom by myself, walk by myself, live on my own when I'm 80. My kids won't have to worry about me, my husband won't have to sacrifice his happiness and health to take care of me. 

Mom

 I stayed with mom in Kansas City, KS until September 18, 2023. I got a job working as an office administrator for a company that helped wealthy people manage their housing. Boring, but the pay was good. On September 18, mom sold her house (of over 30 years!) and moved into Vintage Park retirement home in Hiawatha. She had the biggest room in the place--basically a studio apartment--but she never took to living in such a public situation. In November, she told me that God had told her she needed to buy a house. She looked at exactly one house, bought it, got it fixed up and moved in the last day of the year.

Just as I had in Kansas City and when she lived in Vintage Park, I visited her every day. Usually I spent the morning and early afternoon with her--getting her breakfast and lunch, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. In February, she contracted pneumonia and was hospitalized for three days. They sent her home on 2 liters of oxygen and at that point, I had to move in with her. She needed help with everything and wasn't able to be by herself.

We stuck it out until June, when I told her I was exhausted from trying to take care of her all by myself. I also missed my family, my garden and my cat. She agreed that she would go back to Vintage Park, but by then, she needed more help that they could provide. We found her a private room at Anew Health Care nursing home. Anew also has an assisted living wing, so if she is able to improve enough she can move to that section. She moved in June 17.

Dad

 Dad died on March 18, 2023. I was with him when he took his last breath, but I don't think he was actually there--just his body, working hard as it always had. He went into the hospital on February 7th, 2023, but he was already dying. We just didn't know it. 

I was at work on Tuesday the 7th, having gone through a mental breakdown September 11 of 2021 and quit teaching the same day. I'll write more about that another time (or not).  In October of  '21, I was hired on at the KS Department of Children and Families (DCF) as a food stamps processor. It was monotonous and somewhat depressing, but I was happy to have a job. About 8 months in, I was turned on to another job opening in the same (Hiawatha) office as a Pre-Employment Transition Specialist which I applied for and started in July of 2022. I really enjoyed working with disabled teens, helping them figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. Anyway, I had finished another day working with teens, giving thanks that I had a low-pressure job where I could serve others and that was near to home. 

Mom called that evening--a bit unusual since we mostly talked on the weekend, but not unheard of. She said dad had been taken to the hospital because he'd had a seizure. I wasn't sure what to think. My dad??? He wasn't an epileptic. He didn't have ANY kind of health problem besides arthritis and the bad back he'd had since he fell out of a tree when he was 78 (really!). I said I'd come right away and she said no, her housekeeper, Tammy, was driving her to the hospital. She just wanted me to know. 

A heavy knot grew in my stomach and I went downstairs to get the suitcase, just in case. Sure enough, she called back about 10pm and said I should come, that the doctors didn't know what was wrong and that dad was in a medically induced coma. It was a long drive. The radio didn't work and I knew I wouldn't be able to listen to a book or music. I sang camp-fire songs for the two hour drive. 

When I got to the hospital, I had to jockey cars with Tammy so she could go home. Mom was distraught and the family was gathering. The doctors said at first that he had a subdural hematoma--a brain bleed--which had caused stroke-like symptoms. Mom told me that they'd been out earlier (still February 7th at this point) keeping a manicure appointment for her. When they'd arrived at the house, dad had announced he needed to lay down. He did so on the living room carpet. After lying there, he said he felt better and went downstairs. When mom was ready for bed at 9:00, she saw he wasn't in bed and called downstairs for him. He wasn't able to answer, so she used her panic button to call 911. 

April Showers . . .

 The weather has been weird lately. Spring is always a little off-balance, but this year it has been so at odds. One day it will be 80 degrees, the next day it snows. We've had days where the temperature drops 40 degrees from morning to night (or vice versa). It's playing havoc with our depression and joints. Yes, everyone in this house has anxiety or depression or both. Everyone in this house has also broken at least one bone and 50% of us have metal joint replacements. We're quite a crew. At any rate, the weather seems to be really affecting all of us this season. 

The good thing is that everything is greening up as usual, and I am raring to get outside and weed, dig, plant, trim, etc. Sadly, the whole working thing is really cutting into my free time. :-). Ethan told me today that if he ever becomes a millionaire, he'll get me a staff--cook, housekeeper and garden helpers--so that I can spend my time outside doing just what I want. He's a dear boy. Wish he were feeling better! Still has quite a bit of stomach pain, though he's able to eat and keep food down and has gained back his weight so he doesn't look so skeletal. 

I'm doing well at work. Apparently, I have a 100% accuracy rating on the cases I work. They just count the amount of money given away (or not) in that percentage, so I'm doing better than the 78% I thought I had from the "incorrect" reads my case reader returns. The errors I've been making are mostly little things that don't affect the total given. Still, it makes my stomach clench up a bit when I get a case read back that is "incorrect". I'm so used to being an A student, it's hard to see any errors at all. Really unavoidable thought, but I'm learning fast. 

Robert's started going back to the office most days now. He really does like working from home and does really well at it. My work is going to set me up for remote as soon as I'm done with my case reader, which should be by October or sooner. I'll be glad not to have to turn in cases every day. It's a lot like having to turn in lesson plans. I guess, since I work for the government, I should get used to having my work scrutinized. Teaching kind of spoiled me that way--not to mention how hard it's going to be to not have my summers free. I'm going to miss that!

Snow bookends . . .

March 7, 2022

It snowed last night and early this morning—about 3 inches or so. We had a two-hour delay to come in to work, but Cathleen had a snow day. I miss those! This summer is going to be hard what with not having a two-month break to rest and refresh. Clearly, other countries have the right idea in making sure their citizens take an extended break. Weekends are great and all, but there’s just no way you can get everything you want to do done in two days and still have time for R & R. Eventually, I’ll have vacation days saved up, but right now I’m using them as fast as I earn them.

Both Robert and Ethan have had to cancel appointments with their respective doctors, but both “the boys” are doing pretty well. Ethan has gained weight and is managing his pain better. He’s still got three D&D games to keep him distracted, but I need to remind him to get together with his therapist too. There are all kinds of ways to move toward being healthy. It is hard to understand the relief I feel at him being able to hold down consecutive meals. He doesn’t even vomit in the morning (much) any more. Maybe his biologic is finally working.

Robert has joined me on the weight loss program offered by my work and is starting to come to the realization that he is in control of what he puts in his body. He says he feels that he has lost weight, and I’ve definitely observed him eating less. I’m really proud of him for giving it a try, especially since he’s in so much nerve pain. His feet and legs are constantly firing off—burning, tingling, numbness—it varies minute-to-minute. He’ll be seeing his doctor about that pain. First, she’ll want to rule out things like diabetes, thyroid disease, etc. As with any unknown illness, it’s just nice to be able to put a name on the thing, even if there’s no treatment.

Cathleen has been pretty sick with a cold, and she’s very depressed about losing her job. Right now, schools are concentrating on testing and P/T conferences, but there should be some jobs opening up after spring break. I know she’ll get another job, I just hope it’s a keeper this time. The problem is, you never really know how a job is going to be for you until you are in it.

I’m ready to get to work on the outside, but the weather is not ready for me! We’re getting another snow storm on Wednesday/Thursday this week, so I’ll have to content myself with planning and dreaming. I am working out again, with weights 2x/week and trying to walk every day. I’m fairly desperate for some alone time, which I rarely get in a house with three other full-time residents, but I do what I can. Spring just can’t come fast enough!

Twos Day . . .

Twos-day! 02/22/2022

OK, hokey, but I need to have some fun. Yesterday, the other new lady at work and I started training for food assistance. Which I’ve been doing for almost four months and she’s been doing for six. To say it is boring is to massively understate the case. However, we do get paid for it, so there’s that. I am enjoying my job though—it’s great to be able to help people in need of aid and to see that happen right away. As a teacher, I rarely saw any benefit of my profession borne out. Very occasionally, someone would say they were glad they read Of Mice and Men, or (less often) Romeo and Juliet. Or that they used something I had taught them. The rewards were ephemeral. With this job, they are concrete and nearly immediate, which is great for my down-trodden spirits. 

Robert is home from rehab (surgery 01/20/2021, in hospital until 02/01, then rehab until 02/11) and we’re all glad he is home. It wasn’t really the same without him. He’s glad to be home too, and has started doing some work—three to four hours a day for now. I know his bosses want him back, but he is still healing, so he shouldn’t push it. The worker’s comp insurance is going to pay for a metal railing for the front of the house and some bars and supports in the bathroom so that he’ll feel safer. I ordered and put together a bed frame that will support him and get his mattress/box spring up off the floor. Working well so far.

Ethan is very, very, slowly feeling better. He plays D & D on Saturday nights and DMs his own games on Sunday and Tuesday afternoons and Thursday night. It really helps him to feel in control of something and gets his mind of the still considerable pain he is feeling. I need to work with him to do some of the physical therapy for his back so that pain will be more manageable. 

Cathleen was told on Thursday (02/17/2022) that she would be non-renewed at her school this year. Though we believe it is body-weight related (all of the other teachers are young, thin women), we can’t prove anything. She’s written up her resignation and has started looking for another job. She really loved the kiddos and her fellow teachers and the parents seemed to like her as well. My hope is that now that she has a year of teaching (plus two years of subbing) under her belt, she get snatched up. Emporia would probably be a good fit, but maybe she can find something in Seneca or Sabetha or Horton. 

I’ve been battling a fair amount of depression and hopelessness, but I just keep on keepin’ on. Really, what else can I do? My family needs stability, calmness and someone who can keep the home fires burning, as it were. I do my best. 

COVID-19 seems to be going the way of the flu, in that it will be endemic and we’ll just get a shot every year. Johns Hopkins reports the US leads all other countries in both cases (78,620,973) and deaths (938,567), but 10,402,901,371 vaccine doses have been administered world-wide, so it seems we’ve started to realize that vaccines do make us safer. How about that? 

Stressed but blessed . . .

February 8, 2022

Good news, Robert is coming home Friday (2/11/2022)! Plus, Ethan finally got approved for his infusion and received it on the 5th. I hate to even think that things might be getting better—it seems like jinxing, but I don’t really believe in that. Our lives have been simultaneously stressful and blessed. I’ve talked about the stressful parts, but when I think of all our blessings, things don’t seem as bad. Cathleen has a job that she’s good at and enjoys (most of the time). Ethan is really enjoying being a DM for three groups of Dungeons and Dragons. He also plays one game on Saturdays, but I think his real joy is in leading those Tues/Thurs/Sun games. Interesting how much that skill is similar to teaching. Another blessing—Robert still has most of the use of his right arm, and his left arm will heal eventually. The worker’s comp insurance has been most generous in taking care of him—there’s no way we could have afforded the rehab hospital on our own. If he’d come home after the first surgery (1/20) we surely wouldn’t have known about the infection or the dislocation that caused the second surgery (1/29). I’m so grateful he had plenty of time to heal. 

My work has been very gracious about all the time off I’ve had to use to take care of family matters. Plus the insurance is very good. Robert’s work has been wonderful about not pressuring him to work while he’s healing, so that’s been good for him too. We both still have our parents to go to for help and advice, and they are near enough to see once in a while. Many good things. 

One of those good things is a healthy living program sponsored by my work. It seems to be very much like Noom, which worked great for me. This one is at no cost to me and I can use completion of the program for money off my health insurance premiums next year. It’s nice to know that they care about us being healthy—less expensive for them in the long run, I guess. My eating has been really out of control and I’ve not been exercising very much. Dog walks (thank God for Kyla!) are about the extent of it. Now that this program has started, and since I don’t have to leave for work at 7am, I’m trying to make a habit of getting up and exercising every morning. Then at least I’ll have accomplished something positive each day.

Robert's OTHER surgery

 February 2, 2022

That's right, a week after he had his second surgery on his left arm, my poor husband had to go back on the operating table and be cut open again. What happened is this. The surgeon, Dr. Fox, came by to look at the arm that he'd "fixed" on the 20th and as he changed the bandage, he dislocated Robert's arm. Just by touching it gently. He'd warned Robert not to jostle that shoulder, and he'd been VERY careful not to, but clearly something wasn't right. So they scheduled another surgery for Saturday the 29th to take out the long implant against the humerus and replace it with a longer one that would fit the socket better. Robert had been in the hospital the whole time.

After the second (really third) surgery, Robert came out feeling pretty good, with minimal swelling/pain and with no neuropathy in his feet. They cleared him to go to rehab and yesterday, February 1, they moved him into the PAM Health Rehabilitation Hospital of Overland Park. When I spoke with him tonight, he was very tired, but in good spirits. He'll have three hours of PT/OT and other therapy to help him manage with one hand while the other one heals. 

In other news, Ethan finally got approved to get his Entyvio infusion (three weeks after he should have had it). There was a whole snafu with the Sabetha Hospital not sending in the request for approval back in November, when we gave them the new insurance. Dr. Datti's office have been fighting with BlueCross/Blue Shield since then, trying to get it approved. I called yesterday and bingo, bango, bish, bash, bosh (as Ethan says), it's all approved! I didn't even have to threaten to call a lawyer, which was my next step. Poor Ethan's been in pain for so long--it sure would be nice if we could get him into remission! 

One more thing about Ethan, he's been having great fun DMing two D/D games on Tuesday and Thursday and participating in one on Saturdays. It's really helped take his mind off his pain and has alleviated some of his loneliness. God bless his therapist, who pushed him to check into it!

Cathleen is doing pretty well, but I do think the stress of teaching is getting to her a bit. She can't seem to clear up the excema she keeps getting and it keeps spreading to new spots. She'll be happy to have Spring Break and then summer vacation. I'm so proud of her and her confidence in her teaching ability. The school and kiddos are so lucky to have her!

Robert's Surgery

 January 25, 2022

Robert had surgery this Thursday (01/20/20222), so he and I drove to KC on Wednesday night so we'd be ready for his 8:00am surgery call. His procedure lasted five hours, then he had a two hour recovery. When the surgeon, Dr. Fox, came to talk to me about it, I had him draw what he built, and am including it below.

The bone, in black, is still broken, but is being held together by a plate (the blue oval) that is screwed into the bone. The blue rectangle is cadaver bone that is cinched to Robert's humerus with metal bands in the hopes that his diminished bone would meld with and be strengthened by it. Dr. Fox had to remove both previous implants and replace them with new ones, though he had hoped to reuse the socket implant. 

When I was able to see Robert in his room, he complained about not being able to feel the bottoms of his feet. At first, we thought that was temporary (and it was) as a result of his upright positioning for the surgery, but as it went on, it impeded his ability to stand and walk. Finally, by Saturday, he began to have some feeling in his feet and was able to stand and shuffle a few steps to the chair nearby so that he could sit upright for a bit. 

I went home Saturday evening and drove back Sunday to visit, leaving in the afternoon. Meanwhile, Robert's social worker was preparing to find him a rehabilitation facility (at the recommendation of his PT/OT team) so that he could gain confidence in walking and moving before coming home. The social worker has been calling places since yesterday (Monday, 01/24/2022) and is having some difficulty because she needs to find a place that will accept bariatric patients. So, he's still in the hospital. The house is very quiet without his cheerful laugh and dad jokes. I miss him. 

So, here we are in the future . . .

January 11, 2022

Well, here we are in the future. It’s mostly the same as the past but we all got older. Profound no, but I’m finding life is rarely Insta-worthy. Ethan is still sick, skinny, hurting all the time. He went to see his internist today and while I hoped for miracles, I can’t see how he found any in a 25 minute visit. I look forward to hearing what happened tonight. Cathleen was gracious enough to take the day off to drive him to his appointment as I have very few days off earned as of yet. I’m still two days away from my three month mark, and I’ve been using my sick/vacation days as fast as they are earned. Next year will probably be better that way—at least I hope so. 

Cathleen’s boss did a “gotcha” observation yesterday, right at the end of school during a transition from an activity to math. She came home mad, of course, but calmed down after she had a chance to vent. Honestly, I’m not sure how some people get to be supervisors! She is getting great feedback from her students, their parents and the community, so I think her job is safe. She says several teachers are thinking about leaving, no surprise after the sh*tshow this school year has been. 

Robert’s work has finally hired a new payroll clerk—hope this one works out better. It certainly a relief to him and his co-workers as it more equitably divides the work load. Nation-wide, employers have struggled to fill positions as employees are stressed out, overworked and underpaid. Many places are still just distributing the extra work left behind by departing employees to the existing ones. Which of course, results in more stressed out workers and more employees quitting. 

The global pandemic is still rolling along with China locking down cities and hospitals all over America (and in other nations) overwhelmed with COVID-19 patients. Many of them are children who can’t be immunized or adults who won’t get immunized, but some have been both immunized and boosted. Over nine billion vaccines/boosters have been given out all told and the world stands at 5,499,769 deaths from this buggerly thing that just won’t go away. Source, as always, Johns Hopkins. 

Merry Christmas 2021

 Right. So, I got Ethan out of the hospital yesterday (12/24/21) and brought Cathleen into the doctor's. Both kiddos have C-Diff which is contagious and is treated with 10 days of antibiotics. So, masking around the house, lots of hand washing and separate bathrooms. Also, the kids can't go into the kitchen, though I may need to change that when I go back to work on Monday. We were going to go to KC for Christmas with the family tomorrow, but since we're all potentially contagious we are staying home. In fact, we're not having Christmas until next weekend when we're all feeling better. I'm feeling fine, just a little sore from my cleaning frenzy yesterday. 

Robert is always hurting due to his arm, but he's got surgery scheduled for the 20th of January. Thursday, he went in to have the fluid in his left arm aspirated and to talk to anesthesia about the surgery. They are going to culture the fluid to see if and what sort of infection he has there. He's such a good sport about what must be very painful nearly all the time. 

As for me, I've been cleaning and care-taking and thanking God that I quit teaching. There is no way I could do such an all-encompassing job and still take care of all these people. I am looking forward to getting some official training at work. Hopefully soon, though no word yet. I tried a book club here in Hiawatha, but I really didn't enjoy any of the three selections, so I'll try another. I think there are two more in town--Black lives matter and a murder mystery club. I need to go back to the library to find out about what the selections are. Gotta be better than Searching for Tom Hanks, The 13th Gift, and Wildflower.  I need some conflict and expert writing in my reading. 

December 21, 2021

Capping off this year, my son was just admitted to the hospital (he’s been there since about 4:30am when he woke me) for a gut infection—no holes, thankfully!—and getting IV pain meds and antibiotics. Since there is still COVID (Delta, Omicron, fa-la-la-la-la), he had to be tested for that before admittance and they had to give him a chest x-ray in addition to the CT. This poor young man has really been through the wringer! Please, please, let the biologic (Entyvio) work so that he can go into remission. If anyone deserves a break, he does. 

Yesterday, Monday, I drove Robert to KU Medical Center to see Dr. Fox. He was referred to KU by Dr. Jake Deister, the doctor who did his full left shoulder replacement (stemming from a fall at work in June of 2019). In January of 2020, he fell and broke the right shoulder, but no surgery was necessary. Last month, November 2021, he fell when he was helping me push Ethan’s car into the driveway and broke the arm just under the implant. We took him to Hiawatha Hospital where they x-rayed and scanned him at least three times, but couldn’t really see what was wrong. 

They could tell he had a broken arm, but they couldn’t understand what they were seeing in his shoulder and upper arm. The reason for that become clear as Dr. Fox looked at all the x-rays (including the ones his staff took yesterday). The implant, he said, had come loose. In fact, it had been loose for some time and had broken the bone running parallel to it, causing bone loss and pain for Robert. Six weeks into this poor man’s third broken bone, we find out the break in November might have been a blessing in disguise—showing us why he’d been in pain so long. 

I’ve never seen a doctor so furious as Dr. Fox was after examining Robert and viewing the x-rays. He needed several moments of silence as he tried to determine what to say to us. When he told us that the implant had failed, likely due to faulty work by the other surgeon and certainly faulty after care, we were both stunned into silence. We both felt so betrayed and so angry that it was difficult to speak. Once Dr. Fox got himself into control, he said he would take care of Robert. He told us he was concerned that there might be infection around the implant, so Robert is going back to KU on Thursday (with Cathleen this time, I don’t have enough days off right now) to get his shoulder aspirated and speak with the anesthesiologist. Then the fluid needs to be cultured for two weeks and he’ll have a virtual visit with Dr. Fox to discuss the surgery. It’s scheduled for January 11, 2022.

If there is any fortune to be had in this whole mess it is that since the original surgery caused the damage, this will still be covered under worker’s compensation. My boys are not doing well and I am heartbroken for their pain. If I could take it, I would, but that’s not the way the world works. 

Weather or not . . .

 The news has been much about the weather lately. There were severe tornados in Kentucky killed many people and wiped out several towns. Today in Kansas, on December 15, the temperature is expected to be in the 70s. No, that is not a typo. 70s with rain and extreme winds up to 70 mph. I didn’t even bring a coat to work today. Reading National Geographic lately, the melting of glaciers and icebergs has been much on my mind. With the technology we have now, you can see before/after photos of the ground previously covered by those massive sheets of ice now laid bare as fields or melted into rivers or ponds. Global warming deniers will soon have no alternative but to accept the reality. Too late, I fear for any change we humans make to save what we’ve destroyed. If I use myself as an example, I do recycle paper, metal, plastic and glass, but I still USE those materials, which means that they are being made for me to use up and throw away. I’m truly a bit disgusted with myself. I’m just as much a problem as anyone else on the planet. I drive to work and to visit family in KC, contributing to greenhouse gasses. I eat meat daily, I shop at Walmart and Amazon. Even with things as bad as they are, there’s no incentive to change. Our government hasn’t mandated or incentivized a switch to electric vehicles or public transportation. Not that I think the government can solve all our environmental problems. Even if everyone on the planet stopped consuming, the overall effect would not be seen a long time. Really, the only good thing for the planet is if people suddenly disappeared. Something like that happened during the pandemic’s first wave when whole countries basically shut down for weeks. Skies cleared, water ran pure (ish). Such a tease! Then we went right back to our consuming ways and dirtied things up again.

 

My own internal weather has been pretty cloudy lately. Quitting my job freed up some emotional room, but caring for my family has filled that space. I am overwhelmed with caretaking duties more often now. Robert’s broken arm/shoulder means he is virtually useless at helping around the house, nor will I be able to ask him to help me outside after he heals for fear that he’ll fall again and break something else. So far, it’s been shoulder/shoulder/arm. What might it be next time? Ethan is still struggling. He can make himself a meal and take his own shower, but he’s so weak and sick that he can’t do much else. It’s a constant worry. His doctor believes that the Entyvio is working (at least a recent blood test showed that he’s not developed antibodies to it) but his body is metabolizing it too fast. They are wrangling with the insurance to get him infusions every six weeks rather than ever yeight. I am cautiously hopeful. Cathleen has her own issues, and she’s been as helpful as she can be, but that first year of teaching is so, so stressful. She’s been sick frequently, not uncommon. She is starting to think about getting her own place. I will be delighted to help her move this summer. Perhaps an apartment will open up, but if not, she has enough money saved up and enough income that she would surely be able to get herself a house here in town. It would be nice for all of us for her to have her own place.

 

To the good, I like my job and my coworkers. I’m still grateful that I quit teaching—the release of worry and stress is still awesome to me. I’m in good health and I can see my immediate family every day. I’ve still got both parents.  

Missing KC

 The holidays are upon us and my, they make me miss being near family. Sunday (12/12/2021), I drove down to KC to have dinner with the Beards on the Plaza. It was a nice meal with Nancy and Brianna joining us from South Carolina, Annette, Madison, James and their two kiddos and of course mom and dad. My family was too ill to go. Robert’s broken arm is still in a sling (six weeks later!), but we’re going to KC Med for a consult on the 20^th, so maybe not too longer. With our luck, he’ll need surgery and he’ll be in a cast. 

Ethan finally got news from his doctor that he’s reacting well to the Entyvio, but will have to have it every 6 weeks instead of every 8 because he’s metabolizing it too fast. Cathleen had a whopper of a cold last week and taught through it, so pretty much was down this weekend. I love my family very, very much, but sometimes I want to run away. I won’t, don’t worry. 

On Saturday (12/11/2021), I finally went to see Hiawatha’s Tuba Christmas, put on continuously (except for last year—COVID) since 1984. It was really something—9 tuba and euphonium players and Christmas songs. With the deep bass of the instruments and the two-story entry of the courthouse, you could literally feel the music in your body. Professional it wasn’t, but I enjoyed going. Wish some of my family could have come with me. It’s been really hard getting into the Christmas spirit this year, but I persist. I’ve been watching The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, which is pretty Christmassy

Go Away 2021!!!!

 Once again, I’ll be glad to see this year go. The positives for this year: I quit my very stressful job at Horton High School (9/10/2021 was my last day) and about a month later, was hired by DCF to process food assistance applications at the local office (10/13/2021 was my first day). Less pay, but much less stress, shorter commute. Cathleen finally got hired, after two years of substituting, for the local USD415 school. She’s teaching 3^rd grade and by all accounts excelling. She’s pretty tired most days, but considering the circus that is the American educational system, that is to be expected. She loves the kiddos, and they light up when they see Miss Grissom! 

Ethan started a new biologic this year, switching from Humira to Entyvio to control his Crohn’s disease. It seems to be very, very slowly working—I almost hate to be optimistic at this point. He has been throwing up less frequently the last month or so, that’s how we know it is working. His doctor told him he had three times the inflammation a normal person should have. My poor baby. He is bored, but he can’t concentrate on school or anything prolonged because he is still taking Tramadol to control the intense abdominal pain. Maybe he’ll be able to go back for his junior year the fall of 2022? That’s it for good stuff. Robert fell and broke his left arm, just below the shoulder implant, so he has been in a sling this month. Since he is so very sedentary, he’s been gaining weight. I have too, so we have that in common. I haven’t quite gained back all I’d lost, but pretty close. My new job is very sedentary.

 One other good thing I thought of—I joined a book club that meets once a month and am thinking of starting up yoga again.

New Normal

 9/30/2021

The phrase "It's the New Normal" gets tossed around frequently these days. Hearing it always makes me smile a bit because normal is such a subjective term. I believe people use that term to help them resolve the cognitive dissonance created (largely) by the pandemic. Less so, by the political and social upheaval in the US. There has been so much NEW, so fast that our emotional, social, and physiological systems can't possibly keep up. That has certainly been the case in my life! I've decided that the "new" part of the phrase is OK, but society can keep the "normal" part. No such animal. 

Humans and other animals on planet Earth have always had to incorporate new experiences into our lives. That's how we learn. There is, however, a point at which we can no longer accept new input. We have to be granted time to incorporate the new input. If we don't have that time, most organisms will grind to a halt, freeze, run or die. In a small sense, that's what happened to me on September 10 when I left my teaching job (of 15 years--4 at that location) in the middle of class. My personal, professional, social and emotional lives had not had time to  aggregate the new input and my body/brain forced me to stop. 

I'm grateful for having an understanding husband and family, a steady income and all the other things that middle-class white people tend to take for granted. Without that safety net, I'm not sure what I would have done. Stayed in a job that I had begun dreading? I don't know--that's the most dire consequence I can realistically give myself. I would not have had to sell the house or live in my car or apply for food/shelter assistance, but many would have had to do so. Many are doing so right now. 

One of the things I've always been trained to do is to never leave a job without one in the wings. This time, I didn't have one, which felt like betraying my own system of conduct. I did begin applying almost immediately and was fortunate enough to interview for two interesting positions. I was offered one today and accepted. The pay is about $10,000/year less than what I was making but the benefits of not having to plan every minute of the day, take home work, think about the job every waking hour and having an entire hour for lunch!!! far offset the financial hit. 

My normal is having a job, a family who loves me and living in a beautiful little town in the Midwest of America. When new things come along, I just have to remember to give myself the grace to spend time with them. 

End of an Era (of teaching)

 9/16/2021

Yes, we're still in the pandemic, if anyone is counting. As of today, (according to Johns Hopkins Covid-19 site, my source from the beginning) there have been 4.6 million deaths worldwide from 226,810,008 confirmed cases. On the plus side, there have been 5.8 trillion vaccine doses administered worldwide though the US is far and away the proud owner of both the most monthly cases (4.3 million) and monthly deaths (41,712). India has, cumulatively, 200,000 fewer deaths from Covid-19 and it goes down from there. Had {we} not politicized the virus, masks, vaccines, etc., we wouldn't be on the top of the pile of the dead. It doesn't always look better from the top. 

For me personally, five days ago I walked away from teaching. I was in class during the 9/11 remembrance and at the top of every hour a teacher would come on and say where they were when it happened. As I was teaching high school, none of the students had been alive at the time, so it seemed very much like ancient history to them. And why shouldn't it? So naturally, the kids were having difficulty being respectful, but that's just kids. They were in no way the cause of what happened next. 

Which is that I started to cry, and couldn't stop. The 9/11 remembrances were just the icing on the cake of a long, hard slog of personal and professional challenges. 

PROFESSIONAL: Of the three panic attacks I've had in my life, all three have been as a teacher with the last two being in my current district. Last year, we came back to school amid constant changes, reconfiguring, endless discussion, decisions that immediately were reversed (usually by the CDC or the governor), anger and fear. I was OK coming back to school during most of the high-school only training, but when we had convocation and I walked into the commons with every member of the district present and very few wearing masks I was terrified. I walked back out and stayed out a while until people started trickling in to the auditorium, then I went in to sit in the back, but had to duck out again to hyperventilate in the bathroom. That was the start.

After viewing my class numbers (20-25) and the size of my classroom (very small), I knew I would not be able to social distance there. The principal suggested I teach in another teacher's classroom (most likely without asking that teacher first) and that teacher came down to my classroom and demonstrated how I could fit my desks so that the students would be six feet apart when the CDC was recommending more. It didn't take me long after that to realize that there was no way to be around young people in the building I was in with the community beliefs there were. I drew up my resignation and wrote a check for breaking my contract and was ready to leave. My principal and superintendent met with me the same day and talked me into staying. I wish I'd listened to my gut.

I made it through last year, but it was truly an awful year. Trying to teach online and in person simultaneously didn't really work for anyone and was so tiring. Also, I was not really good at it--my forte is interpersonal relationships and it's very hard to do that if you have to pay attention to the lesson, the interruptions, the in-person students, the online students, the emails, etc., etc. 

PERSONAL: I've spoken here about my son's health, so I won't elaborate, but he's now on a second biologic medication that does not seem to be having much effect. Hence, he is very sick most of the time, in and out of hospitals. My daughter, after two years of constant applications, was finally hired as a third grade teacher for the district in which we live. (I work for a nearby district in a town 20 miles away). So that is good news, but not all stress is bad. My husband has been experiencing some challenges as work as well. 

I'll try to articulate this better in the next entry. Just thinking/writing/talking about it makes me upset.

Class Assignment after the Events of 1/6/2-21

Below is the prompt I gave and my own thoughts upon watching the crazy proceedings of the Capital uprising. I had the students watch the events on CNN, ABC, CBS and Fox News to compare the messages they were getting from a variety of media. I found it really extraordinary how camera angles and word choice can shift perspective.

Thinking about the extraordinary events that occurred yesterday in both DC and across the nation, answer the following:

1.What surprised you? The whole thing surprised me! I did not expect that level of interaction between the protesters and our governing body. The fact that four people died in the melee was shocking when we think about what has always been (in my lifetime anyway), a “peaceful transfer of power.” Nothing was what I expected.
2. What did reporters think you already knew? Reporters assumed some knowledge with the layout of the Capital building and the surrounding area. We saw police cars coming down one of the main roads and then a view of the whole grounds with--they assumed we knew what all of that looked like.
3. What changed, challenged, or confirmed your thinking? I was challenged by the fact that President-Elect Biden spoke publicly before President Trump. I had hoped for some leadership from our duly-elected leaders and was disappointed in the overall response from the current administration.

Inside the Pandemic, Day 28

July 27, 2020

So, still here, COVID-19 cases still going up, especially in US, Brazil, and several other countries. Most countries are in their second waves or have locked it down completely (Australia and New Zealand notably). Johns Hopkins reports today that there are 16,296,635 confirmed cases worldwide. Huge increase from May!!! Fortunately, the worldwide rate of deaths has slowed as healthcare workers have figured this thing out. World-wide, we are at 649,662 deaths. I see from my last entry that “we’re not projected to get” to the number of dead from the 1918 flu pandemic, but it looks like we’re getting dangerously close. Since May, our cases in Brown County have risen to 27, but we are rising rather than flattening (the curve). 

Last week, our governor, God bless and keep her, issued two executive orders that 1) school should be delayed until September 9 and 2) all students and staff should wear masks. Our very Republican state immediately went to work to try and circumvent her orders and did so. The state board of education tied a vote about order 1, thus nullifying it. As for order 2, it is still in debate and will likely be so until we go back to school. I’ve been in several meetings about going back to school and there is a plan in place for F2F (face to face), but also for hybrid and online. It changes all the time. 

In domestic affairs, I’m still working on a project to Dry-Lock the basement and and nearing the end. Super hard rain last night and no leaks (at all!!!) this morning, so yay me. With my dear husband’s help, I also figured out how to use the power washer so I can work on the deck refinishing project as well. There’s also the ongoing project of planning how to teach without touching or getting near anybody or having the students get near each other. Really turns lesson planning on its head! I’ve learned a lot about digital learning though, so that’s good. 

Inside the Pandemic, Day 27

 Tuesday, May 19 2020

Last day of school--strangest check out ever! Usually all the teachers are in the building, people are playing music, we all go around and chat with each other. Someone is frantically grading those last essays/tests/projects. The old-timers (who were done grading last week) are hanging out. Sometimes there’s an impromptu party. Not this time. We were only allowed in the building by ones and twos. No kiddos--of course there haven’t been since Spring Break when the COVID-tastrophe happened. I saw three teachers and the secretaries plus one student. Couldn’t hug anyone goodbye or go out for lunch with my teacher friends. 

However, I did have what I call a paradigm change as I was chatting with the language teacher. We hadn’t seen each other in several months and so were catching each other up on what had been happening in our lives. I talked about Ethan’s diagnosis, she talked about baby goats. Now, I know her life is far from perfect, but what she chose to bring to that brief conversation was a happy, nay, joyful event. Although my news was legitimate (and, truthfully, is taking up most of my mental/physical/emotional focus right now) I thought about what she chose to share and how it made my day that much brighter. I’m doubtful my news did the same for her. So the shift I’m going to try to make with myself is to choose to share the parts of my life that will enrich someone else’s. We have enough bad news as it is. 

Speaking of . . . As of today, we’re up to 4,892,550 confirmed cases nationwide (Center for Systems). All nations have begun wide-scale testing, so the figure will most likely go quite a bit higher as we begin to see the complete scale and scope of the thing. Global deaths are 322, 861. For reference, here’s how deaths from COVID in the US stack up against other illnesses (Begley). From the same site as the chart below, 671,000 people died from the flu epidemic in 1918, so we’re not there yet and not projected to get there.