Merry Christmas 2021

 Right. So, I got Ethan out of the hospital yesterday (12/24/21) and brought Cathleen into the doctor's. Both kiddos have C-Diff which is contagious and is treated with 10 days of antibiotics. So, masking around the house, lots of hand washing and separate bathrooms. Also, the kids can't go into the kitchen, though I may need to change that when I go back to work on Monday. We were going to go to KC for Christmas with the family tomorrow, but since we're all potentially contagious we are staying home. In fact, we're not having Christmas until next weekend when we're all feeling better. I'm feeling fine, just a little sore from my cleaning frenzy yesterday. 

Robert is always hurting due to his arm, but he's got surgery scheduled for the 20th of January. Thursday, he went in to have the fluid in his left arm aspirated and to talk to anesthesia about the surgery. They are going to culture the fluid to see if and what sort of infection he has there. He's such a good sport about what must be very painful nearly all the time. 

As for me, I've been cleaning and care-taking and thanking God that I quit teaching. There is no way I could do such an all-encompassing job and still take care of all these people. I am looking forward to getting some official training at work. Hopefully soon, though no word yet. I tried a book club here in Hiawatha, but I really didn't enjoy any of the three selections, so I'll try another. I think there are two more in town--Black lives matter and a murder mystery club. I need to go back to the library to find out about what the selections are. Gotta be better than Searching for Tom Hanks, The 13th Gift, and Wildflower.  I need some conflict and expert writing in my reading. 

December 21, 2021

Capping off this year, my son was just admitted to the hospital (he’s been there since about 4:30am when he woke me) for a gut infection—no holes, thankfully!—and getting IV pain meds and antibiotics. Since there is still COVID (Delta, Omicron, fa-la-la-la-la), he had to be tested for that before admittance and they had to give him a chest x-ray in addition to the CT. This poor young man has really been through the wringer! Please, please, let the biologic (Entyvio) work so that he can go into remission. If anyone deserves a break, he does. 

Yesterday, Monday, I drove Robert to KU Medical Center to see Dr. Fox. He was referred to KU by Dr. Jake Deister, the doctor who did his full left shoulder replacement (stemming from a fall at work in June of 2019). In January of 2020, he fell and broke the right shoulder, but no surgery was necessary. Last month, November 2021, he fell when he was helping me push Ethan’s car into the driveway and broke the arm just under the implant. We took him to Hiawatha Hospital where they x-rayed and scanned him at least three times, but couldn’t really see what was wrong. 

They could tell he had a broken arm, but they couldn’t understand what they were seeing in his shoulder and upper arm. The reason for that become clear as Dr. Fox looked at all the x-rays (including the ones his staff took yesterday). The implant, he said, had come loose. In fact, it had been loose for some time and had broken the bone running parallel to it, causing bone loss and pain for Robert. Six weeks into this poor man’s third broken bone, we find out the break in November might have been a blessing in disguise—showing us why he’d been in pain so long. 

I’ve never seen a doctor so furious as Dr. Fox was after examining Robert and viewing the x-rays. He needed several moments of silence as he tried to determine what to say to us. When he told us that the implant had failed, likely due to faulty work by the other surgeon and certainly faulty after care, we were both stunned into silence. We both felt so betrayed and so angry that it was difficult to speak. Once Dr. Fox got himself into control, he said he would take care of Robert. He told us he was concerned that there might be infection around the implant, so Robert is going back to KU on Thursday (with Cathleen this time, I don’t have enough days off right now) to get his shoulder aspirated and speak with the anesthesiologist. Then the fluid needs to be cultured for two weeks and he’ll have a virtual visit with Dr. Fox to discuss the surgery. It’s scheduled for January 11, 2022.

If there is any fortune to be had in this whole mess it is that since the original surgery caused the damage, this will still be covered under worker’s compensation. My boys are not doing well and I am heartbroken for their pain. If I could take it, I would, but that’s not the way the world works. 

Weather or not . . .

 The news has been much about the weather lately. There were severe tornados in Kentucky killed many people and wiped out several towns. Today in Kansas, on December 15, the temperature is expected to be in the 70s. No, that is not a typo. 70s with rain and extreme winds up to 70 mph. I didn’t even bring a coat to work today. Reading National Geographic lately, the melting of glaciers and icebergs has been much on my mind. With the technology we have now, you can see before/after photos of the ground previously covered by those massive sheets of ice now laid bare as fields or melted into rivers or ponds. Global warming deniers will soon have no alternative but to accept the reality. Too late, I fear for any change we humans make to save what we’ve destroyed. If I use myself as an example, I do recycle paper, metal, plastic and glass, but I still USE those materials, which means that they are being made for me to use up and throw away. I’m truly a bit disgusted with myself. I’m just as much a problem as anyone else on the planet. I drive to work and to visit family in KC, contributing to greenhouse gasses. I eat meat daily, I shop at Walmart and Amazon. Even with things as bad as they are, there’s no incentive to change. Our government hasn’t mandated or incentivized a switch to electric vehicles or public transportation. Not that I think the government can solve all our environmental problems. Even if everyone on the planet stopped consuming, the overall effect would not be seen a long time. Really, the only good thing for the planet is if people suddenly disappeared. Something like that happened during the pandemic’s first wave when whole countries basically shut down for weeks. Skies cleared, water ran pure (ish). Such a tease! Then we went right back to our consuming ways and dirtied things up again.

 

My own internal weather has been pretty cloudy lately. Quitting my job freed up some emotional room, but caring for my family has filled that space. I am overwhelmed with caretaking duties more often now. Robert’s broken arm/shoulder means he is virtually useless at helping around the house, nor will I be able to ask him to help me outside after he heals for fear that he’ll fall again and break something else. So far, it’s been shoulder/shoulder/arm. What might it be next time? Ethan is still struggling. He can make himself a meal and take his own shower, but he’s so weak and sick that he can’t do much else. It’s a constant worry. His doctor believes that the Entyvio is working (at least a recent blood test showed that he’s not developed antibodies to it) but his body is metabolizing it too fast. They are wrangling with the insurance to get him infusions every six weeks rather than ever yeight. I am cautiously hopeful. Cathleen has her own issues, and she’s been as helpful as she can be, but that first year of teaching is so, so stressful. She’s been sick frequently, not uncommon. She is starting to think about getting her own place. I will be delighted to help her move this summer. Perhaps an apartment will open up, but if not, she has enough money saved up and enough income that she would surely be able to get herself a house here in town. It would be nice for all of us for her to have her own place.

 

To the good, I like my job and my coworkers. I’m still grateful that I quit teaching—the release of worry and stress is still awesome to me. I’m in good health and I can see my immediate family every day. I’ve still got both parents.  

Missing KC

 The holidays are upon us and my, they make me miss being near family. Sunday (12/12/2021), I drove down to KC to have dinner with the Beards on the Plaza. It was a nice meal with Nancy and Brianna joining us from South Carolina, Annette, Madison, James and their two kiddos and of course mom and dad. My family was too ill to go. Robert’s broken arm is still in a sling (six weeks later!), but we’re going to KC Med for a consult on the 20^th, so maybe not too longer. With our luck, he’ll need surgery and he’ll be in a cast. 

Ethan finally got news from his doctor that he’s reacting well to the Entyvio, but will have to have it every 6 weeks instead of every 8 because he’s metabolizing it too fast. Cathleen had a whopper of a cold last week and taught through it, so pretty much was down this weekend. I love my family very, very much, but sometimes I want to run away. I won’t, don’t worry. 

On Saturday (12/11/2021), I finally went to see Hiawatha’s Tuba Christmas, put on continuously (except for last year—COVID) since 1984. It was really something—9 tuba and euphonium players and Christmas songs. With the deep bass of the instruments and the two-story entry of the courthouse, you could literally feel the music in your body. Professional it wasn’t, but I enjoyed going. Wish some of my family could have come with me. It’s been really hard getting into the Christmas spirit this year, but I persist. I’ve been watching The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, which is pretty Christmassy

Go Away 2021!!!!

 Once again, I’ll be glad to see this year go. The positives for this year: I quit my very stressful job at Horton High School (9/10/2021 was my last day) and about a month later, was hired by DCF to process food assistance applications at the local office (10/13/2021 was my first day). Less pay, but much less stress, shorter commute. Cathleen finally got hired, after two years of substituting, for the local USD415 school. She’s teaching 3^rd grade and by all accounts excelling. She’s pretty tired most days, but considering the circus that is the American educational system, that is to be expected. She loves the kiddos, and they light up when they see Miss Grissom! 

Ethan started a new biologic this year, switching from Humira to Entyvio to control his Crohn’s disease. It seems to be very, very slowly working—I almost hate to be optimistic at this point. He has been throwing up less frequently the last month or so, that’s how we know it is working. His doctor told him he had three times the inflammation a normal person should have. My poor baby. He is bored, but he can’t concentrate on school or anything prolonged because he is still taking Tramadol to control the intense abdominal pain. Maybe he’ll be able to go back for his junior year the fall of 2022? That’s it for good stuff. Robert fell and broke his left arm, just below the shoulder implant, so he has been in a sling this month. Since he is so very sedentary, he’s been gaining weight. I have too, so we have that in common. I haven’t quite gained back all I’d lost, but pretty close. My new job is very sedentary.

 One other good thing I thought of—I joined a book club that meets once a month and am thinking of starting up yoga again.

New Normal

 9/30/2021

The phrase "It's the New Normal" gets tossed around frequently these days. Hearing it always makes me smile a bit because normal is such a subjective term. I believe people use that term to help them resolve the cognitive dissonance created (largely) by the pandemic. Less so, by the political and social upheaval in the US. There has been so much NEW, so fast that our emotional, social, and physiological systems can't possibly keep up. That has certainly been the case in my life! I've decided that the "new" part of the phrase is OK, but society can keep the "normal" part. No such animal. 

Humans and other animals on planet Earth have always had to incorporate new experiences into our lives. That's how we learn. There is, however, a point at which we can no longer accept new input. We have to be granted time to incorporate the new input. If we don't have that time, most organisms will grind to a halt, freeze, run or die. In a small sense, that's what happened to me on September 10 when I left my teaching job (of 15 years--4 at that location) in the middle of class. My personal, professional, social and emotional lives had not had time to  aggregate the new input and my body/brain forced me to stop. 

I'm grateful for having an understanding husband and family, a steady income and all the other things that middle-class white people tend to take for granted. Without that safety net, I'm not sure what I would have done. Stayed in a job that I had begun dreading? I don't know--that's the most dire consequence I can realistically give myself. I would not have had to sell the house or live in my car or apply for food/shelter assistance, but many would have had to do so. Many are doing so right now. 

One of the things I've always been trained to do is to never leave a job without one in the wings. This time, I didn't have one, which felt like betraying my own system of conduct. I did begin applying almost immediately and was fortunate enough to interview for two interesting positions. I was offered one today and accepted. The pay is about $10,000/year less than what I was making but the benefits of not having to plan every minute of the day, take home work, think about the job every waking hour and having an entire hour for lunch!!! far offset the financial hit. 

My normal is having a job, a family who loves me and living in a beautiful little town in the Midwest of America. When new things come along, I just have to remember to give myself the grace to spend time with them. 

End of an Era (of teaching)

 9/16/2021

Yes, we're still in the pandemic, if anyone is counting. As of today, (according to Johns Hopkins Covid-19 site, my source from the beginning) there have been 4.6 million deaths worldwide from 226,810,008 confirmed cases. On the plus side, there have been 5.8 trillion vaccine doses administered worldwide though the US is far and away the proud owner of both the most monthly cases (4.3 million) and monthly deaths (41,712). India has, cumulatively, 200,000 fewer deaths from Covid-19 and it goes down from there. Had {we} not politicized the virus, masks, vaccines, etc., we wouldn't be on the top of the pile of the dead. It doesn't always look better from the top. 

For me personally, five days ago I walked away from teaching. I was in class during the 9/11 remembrance and at the top of every hour a teacher would come on and say where they were when it happened. As I was teaching high school, none of the students had been alive at the time, so it seemed very much like ancient history to them. And why shouldn't it? So naturally, the kids were having difficulty being respectful, but that's just kids. They were in no way the cause of what happened next. 

Which is that I started to cry, and couldn't stop. The 9/11 remembrances were just the icing on the cake of a long, hard slog of personal and professional challenges. 

PROFESSIONAL: Of the three panic attacks I've had in my life, all three have been as a teacher with the last two being in my current district. Last year, we came back to school amid constant changes, reconfiguring, endless discussion, decisions that immediately were reversed (usually by the CDC or the governor), anger and fear. I was OK coming back to school during most of the high-school only training, but when we had convocation and I walked into the commons with every member of the district present and very few wearing masks I was terrified. I walked back out and stayed out a while until people started trickling in to the auditorium, then I went in to sit in the back, but had to duck out again to hyperventilate in the bathroom. That was the start.

After viewing my class numbers (20-25) and the size of my classroom (very small), I knew I would not be able to social distance there. The principal suggested I teach in another teacher's classroom (most likely without asking that teacher first) and that teacher came down to my classroom and demonstrated how I could fit my desks so that the students would be six feet apart when the CDC was recommending more. It didn't take me long after that to realize that there was no way to be around young people in the building I was in with the community beliefs there were. I drew up my resignation and wrote a check for breaking my contract and was ready to leave. My principal and superintendent met with me the same day and talked me into staying. I wish I'd listened to my gut.

I made it through last year, but it was truly an awful year. Trying to teach online and in person simultaneously didn't really work for anyone and was so tiring. Also, I was not really good at it--my forte is interpersonal relationships and it's very hard to do that if you have to pay attention to the lesson, the interruptions, the in-person students, the online students, the emails, etc., etc. 

PERSONAL: I've spoken here about my son's health, so I won't elaborate, but he's now on a second biologic medication that does not seem to be having much effect. Hence, he is very sick most of the time, in and out of hospitals. My daughter, after two years of constant applications, was finally hired as a third grade teacher for the district in which we live. (I work for a nearby district in a town 20 miles away). So that is good news, but not all stress is bad. My husband has been experiencing some challenges as work as well. 

I'll try to articulate this better in the next entry. Just thinking/writing/talking about it makes me upset.